My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Tuesday, 8 June 2010

Back with Internet

Well i moved into a bedsit, didnt have net here til now, so i suppose an update is in order.
The Landlord made me give my cat up, whom had been with me through my bad times but i found a good home for her and shes happy. the place im in is a strange old place, we have an alcoholic who decides that its good to walk around smelling like a sesspit, a few polish and lithuaniuns and a few english folk, tania an italian girl ive seem to taken a liking with and we get on.

Ive had a few suisidal thoughts and attempts, but ive managed to bring myself through it, Dan is comming over this week, ive decided i dont want to feel like this anymore and gave him the choice, have an argument, or prove to me that you trust me enough to be vulnerable and to put your fears behind you, we will see what he chooses when he comes.
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