Oh My Word!

what a bad few weeks, its been chaos but i will get on and update this over the weekend, its been hectic, sorry for the delay in more posts!

Day Nine, 6th of May

What a day! i just remembered why i hate moving house, all that packing.

Currently in new flat, through sheer luck i managed to sort.

Just tidying up, the removals guy dropped my crockery on the floor and it all smashed, not amused. Otherwise its been a very tiring day.

Day Eight, 5th of May - PM

Well it seems someone was smiling, i got a small apartment secured and move in tomorrow, unfortunatly its costing every penny i have and will cause "Undue Hardship" which im told i can go sue the council now.

Need to get hold of Alison my Creditor to sort out my loan to sort me out, damn woman is alusive.

Day Eight, 5th of May

a ray of hope has hit, a small self contained room in camborne, just waiting for the credit union to get things sorted, and hopefully move there. The council has decided not to help me yet my "Helpful" doctor is yet to actually write to them and tell them about my problems, not that the council care anyway, been like this for years, if you need help, better just topping yourself then asking for it from them. if the credit union doesnt get sorted shortly, then theres a very real chance im on the streets, after which il find the nearest sharp object and save myself the shame and fear again.

My stress levels are through the roof, my panic attacks are back, and to top it off, im homeless, i cant find help, no ones willing, and the council would sooner see me dead than lift a finger to help. out of options again, perhaps if i say im muslim might help or eastern euro huh.

Day Seven, 4th of May - Afternoon

If yove read my diary, you will know that in a few days il get a baliff to evict me and my general back story so il skip that bit,

point is, theres no place suitable for me to move to, the only place id worked on fell through and cornwall council wont even deal with my case unless its a wednesday, the most they will do is put me in a b&b, and the thought of that terrifies me, ive been home invaded when i lived in a shared house and was raped, ever since i have to have my own front door and not share with anyone, else id of topped myself by now, i wont be a prisoner in a small room jumping at every sound outside my door.

ive no where to run, and i wont suffer being a prisoner in my room again, it terrifies me, out of options, im left with either go out and break a shop window or sommet to get arrested and thrown in prison, or just end it, like i tried to in my younger days, but didnt have the guts to go through with it.

Day Six, 3rd of May 2010 - Evening

I decided to have a quiet evening, Also i have placed 3 new pages, at the top of this blog are the links, it details an overview of my life until around the age of 22 (4 years ago) When i first met my current partner Dan. Otherwise theres little else going on, Dan said he will pop over tomorrow as he couldnt make it last night as he was behind with his work, maybe i get a hug and backrub then.

Stay tuned tomorrow as all hell breaks loose and i find out if i live on the streets or my housing application actually gets sorted by the red tape paperwork obsessed idiots at Cornwall Council.

Day Six, 3rd of May 2010 - PM

Well its been mayhem packing and tidying, inbetween my sister trying to "Borrow" a tenner off me, not like i have money comming out of my ears, being big brother has its disadvantages. joined a few new forums depressionforums and mentalhealth, the links are on the right in the Links section. Chatted to my friend patsy from canada, shes been through what i am now going through. im told im gaining a little following with this diary, never opened up to such a large audience, nervous about what people think or that im just not worth the effort of reading about.

Bit scared of going to bed with the dreaming, still disturbs me and still scared to sleep. The Vivid dreams, to me it feels like a violation, ive always lucid dreamed from a child onwards, it was my only safe place from my step father who routinely beat and abused me, it was the only place i could be free from the pain and fear, and since its been my only escape, my own mind and its being ripped from me, taken and im being forced to see that which i do not want to see, im having difficulty controlling my dreams, most people do not lucid dream, the ability is something you learn to do with training or through force of will, so its hard to explain the loss, its like having a limb chopped off, its very much part of my defence mechanism, along with being able to "Zone Out" effortlesly, now im having problems doing that aswel.

Ive been recommended a book to read, Essential Help For Your Nerves by Claire Weekes Click Here For Link

I have done a large chunk of my history page, ages 1-16 theres a link at the top below the picture, it details my childhood, and part of the cause of my agoraphobia, and my distrust of men, which is ironic as it turns out im gay,

Day Six, 3rd of May 2010 - AM

AM-
Well, Woke up About 10am after a restless night sleep, my anxiety is high, the thoughts that il have to stay at a B+B is scaring the heck out of me, plus the thought of loosing my beloved cat, as much as she irritates me sometimes, im very much attached to her. Todays Agenda consists of, packing, worrying and general mayhem, trying not to have another panic attack aswel, but i feel one just around the corner, i cant bear the thought of not being in a fully self contained unit. Going to settle myself down with the radio and then start the chaos.

Day Five, 2nd of May 2010

Today i made the blog and diary, my therapist has been on at me to do this for weeks, i put the link to it on a few websites, doubt anyone will be intrested, who'd want to read all my troubles lol, but whats done is done, maybe the therapist will give me a break and stop nagging me to do this hehe.

my cat has been mildly irritating, must be on heat or sommet, either way wish she'd shut up and let me get some sleep, maybe id get a bit of peace. those damned polish people upstairs in a studio flat with 3 kids are driving me insane, 6 am everyday all i hear is them banging and crashing, temped to get a loud speaker and scream "kurva" at them. Everywheres shut, managed to run to the shop for baccy, was trying to quit before my breakdown, but my doctor said not to as the stress will proberbly make me relapse.

Had the dream again last night, but i woke before it got to the point of me screaming, im not sleeping enough as it is, if im lucky il get 4 hours rest thats it. my body aches and i got angry with my tooth retainer and threw it outside, i honestly feel like a woman on PMT (at least i have an idea how they feel) Dans popping in tonight, maybe i can get a backrub off him.

Day Four, 1st of May 2010

The dreams have started, vivid images, felt so real, i woke up so terrified i was screaming, i was in a light doze about 10pm, i normally have problems sleepings and i can remember my dreams so vividly, in it i was lying in bed blanket over my head, as if i was hiding, i had a terrible sense of dread, there was someone else in the room with me, i could see the shadow, i felt hands grab me and start dragging me out of bed and i woke up screaming, sweating and blood pumping, it felt so real, i was in a doze and could actually feel myself in motion being dragged, i can remember how i was grabbed and how it felt, it was the most disturbing experience of my life, and it happened again when i dozed off on the sofa, the panick was so great i feinted and the police rushed me to hospital, it felt like my chest had just been squeezed and i couldnt breathe, i went pale and the next thing i remember is waking up in hospita.

It was the most disturbing experience in my life, and im still not over it, i sleep now with a lock knife and a heavy blunted object (dont know why but i feel better knowing they are there)

Day Three, 30th April 2010

Still running round like a lunatic, trying to chase up from home all my enquiries, but not much i can do at the moment, went out to grab new paperwork to fill in (oh i hate busses) The bus was moderatley full and ended up with a mild panic outbusrt, shaking and jittering, I ended up just getting a taxi back home as i couldnt face the bus again, im always so dizzy when im out and about, i can hear my heart beating faster and faster. Did some internet stuff, searching classifieds and the like, joined a new forum called www.nomorepanic.co.uk it seems friendly enough bit big and daunting mind you, but meh, we will see if I can do any good there.

Day Two, 29th April 2010

Well after yesterdays mayhem, there is some light, my doctor has confirmed to the council that im a priority case, so hopefully it will be sorted, but i have to do work on my own aswel, I have been house hunting, agents want me to have a Guarantor, plus front up £150 just to do references and they will spot the arrears, which means they would keep the money and tell me to bugger off, so it looks like letting agents are out of the question, and finding "Suitable" housing for myself from private landlords is difficult as theres not much housing going on. pulling my hair out right now, ive applied to two places for £2000 loans (the smallest I can get) still waiting on an answer, ive been approved for £600 from a credit union but i need to have backup plans if the council will not help me aswel and i need the money to pay for Deposits etc. Still having horrid panic attacks in public, its all i can do to walk around and do what i need to do

Day one, 28th April 2010

(Hand Written in my diary)

Todays the day I actually have to keep a written record of my day, what I have done and how I have felt, suppose today has been an intresting day, received an eviction order which has not helped my stress levels in the slightest, running around Cornwall Council and getting bank loans (though i can barely afford them, Statutory Sick Pay is £360 a month, eek!) and generally running round like a headless chicken, my agoraphobia isnt helping either, 3 mild panic attacks and dizzy most of the time. The tedious paperwork and the fact that I have 7 days on my order before bailiffs come to pay me a visit, its my own fault, did what any good depressant does and bury my head in the sand, ignored it and hoped it would go away, to scared to face yet another problem, now its too late, me and thoughts of nooses and the like have been friendly.