My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Wednesday, 5 May 2010

Day Eight, 5th of May

a ray of hope has hit, a small self contained room in camborne, just waiting for the credit union to get things sorted, and hopefully move there. The council has decided not to help me yet my "Helpful" doctor is yet to actually write to them and tell them about my problems, not that the council care anyway, been like this for years, if you need help, better just topping yourself then asking for it from them. if the credit union doesnt get sorted shortly, then theres a very real chance im on the streets, after which il find the nearest sharp object and save myself the shame and fear again.

My stress levels are through the roof, my panic attacks are back, and to top it off, im homeless, i cant find help, no ones willing, and the council would sooner see me dead than lift a finger to help. out of options again, perhaps if i say im muslim might help or eastern euro huh.
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