My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Day Five, 2nd of May 2010

Today i made the blog and diary, my therapist has been on at me to do this for weeks, i put the link to it on a few websites, doubt anyone will be intrested, who'd want to read all my troubles lol, but whats done is done, maybe the therapist will give me a break and stop nagging me to do this hehe.

my cat has been mildly irritating, must be on heat or sommet, either way wish she'd shut up and let me get some sleep, maybe id get a bit of peace. those damned polish people upstairs in a studio flat with 3 kids are driving me insane, 6 am everyday all i hear is them banging and crashing, temped to get a loud speaker and scream "kurva" at them. Everywheres shut, managed to run to the shop for baccy, was trying to quit before my breakdown, but my doctor said not to as the stress will proberbly make me relapse.

Had the dream again last night, but i woke before it got to the point of me screaming, im not sleeping enough as it is, if im lucky il get 4 hours rest thats it. my body aches and i got angry with my tooth retainer and threw it outside, i honestly feel like a woman on PMT (at least i have an idea how they feel) Dans popping in tonight, maybe i can get a backrub off him.
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