My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Monday, 3 May 2010

Day Six, 3rd of May 2010 - PM

Well its been mayhem packing and tidying, inbetween my sister trying to "Borrow" a tenner off me, not like i have money comming out of my ears, being big brother has its disadvantages. joined a few new forums depressionforums and mentalhealth, the links are on the right in the Links section. Chatted to my friend patsy from canada, shes been through what i am now going through. im told im gaining a little following with this diary, never opened up to such a large audience, nervous about what people think or that im just not worth the effort of reading about.

Bit scared of going to bed with the dreaming, still disturbs me and still scared to sleep. The Vivid dreams, to me it feels like a violation, ive always lucid dreamed from a child onwards, it was my only safe place from my step father who routinely beat and abused me, it was the only place i could be free from the pain and fear, and since its been my only escape, my own mind and its being ripped from me, taken and im being forced to see that which i do not want to see, im having difficulty controlling my dreams, most people do not lucid dream, the ability is something you learn to do with training or through force of will, so its hard to explain the loss, its like having a limb chopped off, its very much part of my defence mechanism, along with being able to "Zone Out" effortlesly, now im having problems doing that aswel.

Ive been recommended a book to read, Essential Help For Your Nerves by Claire Weekes Click Here For Link

I have done a large chunk of my history page, ages 1-16 theres a link at the top below the picture, it details my childhood, and part of the cause of my agoraphobia, and my distrust of men, which is ironic as it turns out im gay,
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