My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Day one, 28th April 2010

(Hand Written in my diary)

Todays the day I actually have to keep a written record of my day, what I have done and how I have felt, suppose today has been an intresting day, received an eviction order which has not helped my stress levels in the slightest, running around Cornwall Council and getting bank loans (though i can barely afford them, Statutory Sick Pay is £360 a month, eek!) and generally running round like a headless chicken, my agoraphobia isnt helping either, 3 mild panic attacks and dizzy most of the time. The tedious paperwork and the fact that I have 7 days on my order before bailiffs come to pay me a visit, its my own fault, did what any good depressant does and bury my head in the sand, ignored it and hoped it would go away, to scared to face yet another problem, now its too late, me and thoughts of nooses and the like have been friendly.
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