My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Day Two, 29th April 2010

Well after yesterdays mayhem, there is some light, my doctor has confirmed to the council that im a priority case, so hopefully it will be sorted, but i have to do work on my own aswel, I have been house hunting, agents want me to have a Guarantor, plus front up £150 just to do references and they will spot the arrears, which means they would keep the money and tell me to bugger off, so it looks like letting agents are out of the question, and finding "Suitable" housing for myself from private landlords is difficult as theres not much housing going on. pulling my hair out right now, ive applied to two places for £2000 loans (the smallest I can get) still waiting on an answer, ive been approved for £600 from a credit union but i need to have backup plans if the council will not help me aswel and i need the money to pay for Deposits etc. Still having horrid panic attacks in public, its all i can do to walk around and do what i need to do
Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)