My Diary

This is a diary of my struggles and hopefully my sucess, I was advised to make a diary, to set goals and monitor myself. Another reason i have discovered that "Getting it off my chest" and sharing it with others, whomever you are, where ever you are and whatever you are, seems to help me calm and feel a little less weighted.

I figured id also make it public so that others like me who understand and those who are intrested from an educational point of view can follow my progress. the first few posts will be copied from my own handwritten diary but afterwards it will be updated on a daily basis. Please bear in mind that I am gay, and do refer to my partner in this blog quite often, if your sensibilities are offended by such things I'd advise not reading or just selectivly read.

General backstory is this; 5 years ago I suffered from acute agoraphobia and anxiety and it was conquered with the help of my then new partner Dan, who has been rock beneath my feet since. 7 months ago I had a nervous breakdown, my partner being one of the causes, his work keeps him from me often and our sex life has been non existant pretty much, his own confidence and esteem not so good, i began having thoughts that he was cheating (he's not, ive checked etc) my own thoughts of "Am I Good Enough" or "Im Ugly" etc etc, coupled with family and work stress which had been an ongoing thing I just collapsed, there was self harm and suiside attempts (not very sucessful which tells you its more the pain im focussed on inflicting) My agoraphobia is back to haunt me and i did what any good depressant did, I stopped paying bills and burried my head in the sand, i have an eviction notice and the council is moving so slow its unreal and i feel like i want to just end it.

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Day Seven, 4th of May - Afternoon

If yove read my diary, you will know that in a few days il get a baliff to evict me and my general back story so il skip that bit,

point is, theres no place suitable for me to move to, the only place id worked on fell through and cornwall council wont even deal with my case unless its a wednesday, the most they will do is put me in a b&b, and the thought of that terrifies me, ive been home invaded when i lived in a shared house and was raped, ever since i have to have my own front door and not share with anyone, else id of topped myself by now, i wont be a prisoner in a small room jumping at every sound outside my door.

ive no where to run, and i wont suffer being a prisoner in my room again, it terrifies me, out of options, im left with either go out and break a shop window or sommet to get arrested and thrown in prison, or just end it, like i tried to in my younger days, but didnt have the guts to go through with it.
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